Why Emotion Regulation is Important
Parenting can directly affect your child's brain chemical systems. In the current climate where everyone is spending a lot more time with their children I think it's an important point.
Children's brains develop through repetition; repeated similar experiences. When you don't consistently comfort and calm an upset or angry child it can lead to adverse changes in their brain chemistry. When a child becomes emotionally dysregulated stress hormones like cortisone are released. If these regularly become too high it can bring about cell death in parts of the brain associated with memory and emotional and social intelligence. I'm going to point out here that “consistently” does not mean “all the time”. Ideally it would be, but as we're human and regulating the emotions of children (especially unders 5s) is hard work, we won't be able to! (If you can, you have superpowers- kudos).
Our brains are made up of cells called neurons. A newborn baby has exactly the same number as an adult when born. What they don't have as many of are synapses. These are the connections that link neurons to each other. As a baby grows and experiences things these synapses develop very, very, very quickly. At 2 years old a child has double the number of synapses an adult does! What then happens is something called ‘pruning' where the synapses that aren't used are lost. The more we use a synapse (connection) the stronger it gets. Think of the synapses like roads you travel on. The more you use them the more you remember that route. You feel confident driving those roads. But roads you rarely use you may drive more slowly or need Google maps to give you directions. This pruning process doesn't stop until around 25 years of age. Examples of connection can be something like being scared at a growling dog. The ‘dog’ and feeling of ‘scared’ get linked. Another example could be the feeling of upset and not being comforted. The more it happens, the stronger the link.
Now why is this important? Our brains are our command centres. Often we will respond automatically to situations because of how it is wired. So it's important we have good wiring. If we do not help children develop this ‘good wiring’ in regards to emotional regulation it can create issues in the future. Many studies have shown that a lack of effective stress regulatory systems (emotion regulation skills) will often lead people to use other means of dealing with difficult feelings such as addictions, self-harm and eating disorders. Our brains are always able to adapt and change though- it just gets harder as we get older.
The importance of emotion regulation didn't use to be as well known. Often today's adults were given responses such as 'get over it' or tears met with irritation instead of empathy. Emotionally responsive parenting helps children to learn how to regulate high emotional arousal. When a parent soothes their child's distress the brain forms pathways that naturally quieten stress. As the child gets older their stress-regulating systems are built from these pathways that you help them form.
Of course it sounds much easier written down than it really is. It is important for parents to seek help from other adults who can act as emotional regulators for their children as it is impossible for parents to do it alone. Everybody needs a break. In today's western societies it is normal for children to only have 1-2 primary care givers. A few centuries ago it was common for a extended families to all live together so children had more like 20 primary care givers. It's normal for parents to feel exhausted or stressed as children take up a lot of energy. That's why it's important to have a support network around to help out when you're struggling.
If as a parent you suffer from stress, anxiety or depression, and have difficulties with regulating your responses to stress, it can be good to seek help for yourself. Counselling and psychotherapy can help you get the stress-regulation you may have missed out on as a child. The repeated and attuned resposes of a therapist can help establish those stress-regulatory systems in your brain, allowing you to stay more calm when helping your children when they become dysregulated.
Tips for encouraging good emotion regulation:
Comfort your child when they are angry, upset or scared. What they might be upset about may be completely trivial. Kids, alas, don’t know that the things they’re often upset about are rather minor, like having their sandwich cut the wrong way. However the feelings they’re having, and brain responses are often still the same as when faced with a bigger issue like a bully threatening to hurt them.
Take care of yourself. When you are upset or stressed children will be able to pick up on this and may create more distress for them. Try to find times to relax and talk to others. It’s okay for your kids to know you’re stressed about something as long as they know they are not responsible for making you feel better.
Get support for yourself if you feel some of your own issues are impacting on your parenting.
Breathing. It’s always and say ‘take five and just breathe’ but there is actually quite a bit of science behind it (more on that another time). If you’re really struggling go and take a few minutes by yourself- it’s not a sign you’re weak, it’s a smart choice. Our prefrontal cortexes are wired to pick up on the emotions of others. You may have had a situation where someone’s bad mood impacts on the atmosphere in a room. It’s sort of the same thing. Of course when you’re child is being grumpy it’ll impact you, just don’t let it become a cycle where you’re rebounding off each other. Parenting often involves having to be the container for your child’s emotions. You’re there to teach them how to deal with them. Which brings me to:
Model how to deal with difficult emotions. You may use running, talking, a journal, deep breathing, yoga..there are many ways out there that people use to regulate stress. Children pick up on what they see so they’ll learn how to regulate emotions by watching you.